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I had no intension of taking a break, exercise wise, over the holidays. I changed my mind after the week off in November. My sleeping pattern does not like all of this stress. So I was awake half of the night Sunday, slept in Monday, felt lazy & tired ended up doing nothing. Went to bed at 9:30 pm Monday night. Got up to pee at 2:40 am, couldn’t fall asleep. Got out of bed @ 3:20 am and did some stuff in the kitchen quietly. Felt really tired around 8:30 am, crawled in bed. Showered, had lunch & it was 2:30 pm.
All of this is not good for me. My mind hasn’t known how to relax in the last 3 years or so, & it’s getting worse. When I was in my rehabilitation program I was severely depressed & was put on an anti-depressant/sleeping pill to combat the negative thoughts in my head so I could sleep. I’m not having negative thoughts now, I just feel like I have so much to do, but my body doesn’t want to keep up. With the house being listed, its holiday season, & I put stress on myself to get as much done in a day as possible, I’m tired, a bit grumpier than usual & generally feel like I’m just wasting days by not exercising.
I hate having our house listed. I’m physically handicapped with no driver’s license but when someone wants to see our place, Brewster & I have to disappear for the 30-45 minutes someone’s here. Much easier said than done. My parents are in town until they go on a trip about a week in to the New Year. Then Kim will have to get us out of here. With her being on contract, she doesn’t like to take time off since she doesn’t get paid if she’s not at work. With all of that going on I’m more stressed than ever. I’m not depressed or crying (like I was in my Rehab program), however I do feel anxious all of the time.
I guess we can add the fact that my brother has another surgery coming up shortly after Christmas. The first one wasn’t enough. I worry about him too. He had back surgery for bone spurs on his shoulders that were causing his arms & hands to go numb at random times, 5 months of disability & some of that doing physiotherapy. He went back to work for 2 weeks of shortened shifts & he’ll be heading to Saskatoon for a 2nd surgery, this time through the front of his body, because the numbing sensation came back. Between my dad, mom, brother, & I, we’ve all had some type of surgery. My parents have both had eye surgeries, mom’s had one knee replaced & soon another, my brother is dealing with his back surgeries, & I’ve had 3 brain surgeries.
As for the house being on the market, at this point I’ve lost all hope of the stars aligning for us to sell & find a new (wheelchair accessible) place in Regina in our price range. They’re completely gone at the moment. Our contract is up on December 31st. I told Kim “Do what you want. I’m out, I’m not looking. If I need to disappear, that’s not my problem. I figure we could be here for 5 more years, & I just don’t care. We have nowhere to move to. The entire reason we put this place up for sale was for a forever home that sold 3 weeks after we hit the market. The contract at that time was to remove our place from the market if our dream house sold, & it did. I’m out. I’m not going to stop you or our realtor from looking, I’ll willingly see a house you find, but I’m not searching for something that is likely not there at the moment. I’ll start house hunting online again in March”. We’ve lowered the price once & that’s as low as its going.
As of today it is 6 years to the day that we moved into this condo. Nothing wrong with this place, we’re just much younger than the average resident here. My parents are young & I’m guessing they’re younger than the average person here? I’d like to move, but I don’t see things working out for us in the near future.
We signed our mortgage papers at the bank on Monday, my name is on it but Kim handles the money here. I saw what our mortgage payment is each month, & I’m thinking that guitar I was going to order is better off at the factory. Kim disagrees still? I don’t know what I was thinking to begin with now. I cancelled my football tickets for next year, which is what I’d prefer to happen in for many different reasons, then wanted to buy a really nice/moderately expensive guitar? The guitar’s still up for discussion despite me having a decent portion of the money already.
Everyone’s Christmas gifts have been purchased & are wrapped under the tree. That stress is over. What’s bugging me now is that I have possibly 30 years of exercise to cram in ASAP. Even then I’ll likely be using a walker. I’m disappointing myself. Especially if I’m sitting around, doing nothing but thinking of what I need to do.
As for eating & drinking over the holidays, not much has changed in that department. We drink store bought non-alcoholic light egg nog. I occasionally put it in the few coffees I have a week & I’ve had 2 glasses of ½ egg nog, ½ skim milk, with a shot of Kahlua. After the 8(?) Holiday sweets I’ve had so far, I’ve determined they just make me feel sick & I don’t need them. So I’m basically still drinking a minimum of 3 liters of water a day, 2 eggs a piece of fruit & homemade vegetable juice for breakfast, lettuce wraps w/Turkey deli meat for lunch & a small meal at supper. I also have 3 small snacks a day.
In the spirit of trying to help people out I’m helping a couple people learn guitar with me. I know what to do, just have to get my left hand used to it again. No I’ve never charged anyone. I was ‘teaching’ two friends before cancer, so I figured I’d help a couple people out again. I don’t charge anyone because A) They’re friends/family B) I’m just a singer that learned guitar to be more comfortable on stage, my knowledge is very limited. I’m happy to say that I can tell that there’s progress every day.
I was always a rhythm guitarist, but I’ve been doing mostly individual finger exercises & different scale patterns on the guitar to strengthen my hand. It helped! Things are getting much better! Figured out the main guitar riff for this, wasn’t able to play it before cancer, I probably didn’t try enough.
Right hand rhythm works fine, left hand fretting needs some work, but it’s getting there! More guitar practice as things are becoming more familiar with it. Practice on the acoustic then play it on the electric.
One good night of sleep & today I got up on time, had a good workout and was able to manage my time better! I plan to keep exercising next week, it will likely be a day or 3 of shortened exercise, 25th & 26th anyways.
What have I been listening to? Pretty much anything but Christmas/Holiday music. Still just not ready for it?
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